Friday, August 23, 2013

Reasons 40 Blows

As much as being in your 40's is liberating, there are still some things about being middle aged that suck a witch's tit. For example:

1. You start receiving AARP literature in the mail. And coupons for Dr. Scholl's insoles. And ads for nursing home insurance and reverse mortgages. True story.

2. Your body begins to fall apart just as your mind is ready to go all in. Dancing all night in Vegas? I think I have a bunion. Skydiving? Ow, my back!

3. You have to sit in the front row at a strip club to see any boobs instead of sitting discretely in the back corner.

4. Five words- "Those aren't gray hairs, asshole!"

5. Mammogram.

6. Prostate exam.

7. Colonosopy.

8. You hum along to elevator music because it is an instrumental version of Darling Nikki.

9. If you're a married woman you're a soccer mom, if you're single you're a cougar. #cantwin

10. You trade your nightstand beer and used condom from last night for anti-aging cream and ibuprofen. 

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